likeness #48: The whole fish

Upon approach of a table, arms full of searing hot plates and a whole branzino on a concrete slab platter, this gem of a human simply would NOT acknowledge that I was standing there asking him to MOVE HIS SHIT. Blackberry, Lexus key chain, leather folio, these obnoxious artifacts were sprawled out right where this funky fish with it's crazy dangly eyeball wanted to land. My wrist started droooooooping and blam. Whole fish on a bed of crotch, eyeball garnish, caper olive sauce to finish nicely.

As a lawyer entertaining important clients, he threw a FIT and demanded my head for ruining his suit, which could only have been made from unicorns judging by reaction. Whole HEAD! Yum. Thinking back, it really couldn't have happened to a more deserving guy. 

Thank you to the bitchy waiter, his thought provoking question of the day brought this memory howling from the memory vaults in all of it's fishy glory. And thank you to Stephen Starr for the carpal tunnel ;)  

likeness #47 : "High falutin"

Overheard: Small Lebanese lunch spot in Hillcrest, San Diego, CA

LADY:(This is AFTER trying to haggle about the lunch special.)

"I want mineral water. What kind do you have?" 

GIRL: (The waitress looks to be about 16 and is probably a relative of the owner)"We carry Perrier" 

LADY: (snorts) "I will have something a little less high falutin"  

GIRL: (confused) "ummm, it's in a plastic bottle."  

LADY: (snorts and flips hair) "Well I guess since you leave me NO OPTIONS, I will have to take it then! 

likeness #46 : The cracker

I had just moments before presented of a gorgeous (and complimetary) Amuse Bouche of fresh salmon tartare with zesty herb creme fraiche on a slightly warmed scallion blini, when I see a woman frantically waving at me from across the room. She is theatrically holding the side of her face and yelling for all to hear NOT to eat the free appetizer because it is "SO STALE IT BROKE MY TOOTH!" 

I look down at the beautiful little creation I made for her. The blini is virtually intact in the middle, and it is sitting upon a small wooden dish. She bit the wooden dish. And then made a scene. And THEN expected us to comp her meal. AND THEN ASKED OUR ADDRESS SO SHE COULD SEND US HER DENTISTS BILL! 

haha, crayyyy.

likeness #45 : He's a babayyyy

Timmmmaaaaay

likeness #44 : In your section, "would you rather" : babies or scabies? Hard choice.

Walked in off the street.

"I have a reservation for 10 later tonight, just exactly how MANY high chairs do you have here?"

noooooo....shhhhuuuudddddeeerrr

likeness #43 : emergencia hamburguesa

Sometimes you just have to take a deep breath and remind yourself that no matter what the customer is raging about "I said NO pickles, this bun has TOO many seeds, blah blah blah"....

THERE IS SIMPLY NO SUCH THING AS A HAMBURGER EMERGENCY

likeness #42 : wines wines whines

Lady: What is the difference between these two Pinot Noirs? 

Me: The second on the list is FAR smoother. I would suggest spending the extra five dollars for the second bottle, it's lovely and a great price for what you get. (she eyes me like a used car salesman and goes for the cheaper bottle)

I ask minutes later how they are enjoying everything and I am greeted with a "fine" and a smirk. As I turn I hear her whisper to her friend..."this burns going down, it's like battery acid!"

yes. yes it is. 

likeness #41 : nooooooooo

Girl in large group of 25 waves me over and whispers: "before we even get started I just want to tell you we WILL all be having separate checks" 

likeness #40 : Dollar beer

It's Monday and that means it's "Dollar Beer Night" once again. God help us all. 


PS. You know it's bad when the beer tub is stocked with a lovely range of craft brews (all offered for ONE DOLLAR) and they dig through, then ask if we have any PBR. 

likeness #39 : Sweet potato

A real sweet potato is a sea of spuds!

likeness #38 : Infestation!...of grouponers.

"I want this dish, but can you change it so it's cheaper? I have a Groupon and don't wanna go over. Can't you just like, I dunno, take off a shrimp or somethin?"

The Groupon deal is expiring in four days so everyone is trying to squeeze it in. 

likeness #37 : Salad days

Miss, oh miss! Please remove this salad. The lettuce is too...I don't know the word... rangy? It is so long it poked me in the eye and now my eye is burning from balsamic vinaigrette ! 

likeness #36 : Waiting it out

 

That awkward moment when a table at a certain Philadelphia Mexican restaurant has kept you at work waaaayyyy past the point of being acceptable, so your co-worker breaks into song and dance to pass the time...

And as he pirouettes dramatically across the room belting, "I DON"T WANNA WAIT....FOR THESE JERKS TO GET LO-OST!"(to Dawson's theme music of course) you all turn around and this guy from the table is standing right next to you. 

likeness #35 : Seasonal fruit

He: (without looking at the menu I have extended his way. Menu reads: Seasonal fruit dessert, Daily chocolate offering, Ice cream sandwich) "I really liked that Persimmon dessert I had here once, i'll have that."

Me: "Today the seasonal fruit dessert is blueberry cobbler."

He: (Obviously very irritated) "Ya know, EVERYTIME I come in here your seasonal fruit dessert is DIFFERENT! Why do you keep changing the menu!!! 

WRIT LARGE. ON THE MARQUIS: SEASONAL FRUIT!!!!!!!!!

likeness #34 : Gwilled chweeezzz

Her: I would like to order the grilled cheese, but can I just have half?
Me: No, I am sorry, we don't do halves.
Her: I just really don't see why not, tell them it will make a customer very happy, I am sure they will do it. 

I mean....What would we do with the other half? 

likeness #33 : Smoking hot mess

Her:(Saunters up sloppily as I'm clearly talking to a table on the patio. Interrupts: I need you to check the lost and found for me for a pair of shoes.

Me: Shoes?

Her: Or flip flops, flip flops would work. Whatever you have.

Me: So... just any old nasty pair of shoes, not even YOUR shoes?(look down and her feet and ankles that look like christmas hams. I see one very strained high heel and one that has submitted to the pressure and snapped off.) 

We do not get too many stray shoes in our lost and found so she partied on with a scarf tied around her foot to protect her lil piggies from the patio's glass shards and cigarette butts.

likeness #32 : Roses

Her:  Miss! (waving wildly) Oh Miss! I ordered this glass of wine but there is something weird about it and it definitely does NOT taste like ROSES, like AT ALL! 

Me: sigh. (dump a delicious Domaine Fontsainte Rose down the drain)

likeness #31 : Corny cocktail casualties

He: "I'll have a 'Flaming Dr. Pepper'"

Me: "I don't even know what that is, but I think I can safely say, no. "

He: "Then make it a Vodka Red Bu... "(insert ME: "NO".)

He: "Irish car bombs then, DANG, YALL AINT GOT NUTHIN GOOD HERE!!"

Me: "we don't do those, you can have the two drinks separate, but our shot glass doesn't fit into the pint without shattering." 

He: "I'll have that."

Deliver. crack. shatter. leave them to sit in their own sticky mess with cracked front teeth cause I told em so. 

likeness #29 : brahhhhhh

He: "I'll have a Red Bull."

Waitress: "We don't carry any energy drinks here."

He: "Then how do you make Vodka Red Bulls!!!!!??????"  

(wait a few seconds...oh... wow... yup,  he actually does wants an answer to that one...) 

likeness #30 : Sunnies at the club

Throughout the night I wondered if Mister 'I wear my sunglasses at night' could sense my thinly veiled contempt. Or maybe he was asleep back there... 

likeness #28 : Shoulda stuck to Shirley Temples

She: Excuse me miss, I don't like this drink and would like something different. It won't be on my bill, right? (all look down at a MARTINI glass with a tiny puddle left in the bottom. she even ate all the olives)

Me: It looks like you drank the whole thing, what didn't you like about it?

She: I've never had one of these before. It was way too strong, it's making me too drunk.

I can't make these things up. 

likeness #27 : Can't win

dude: Excuse me, MISS!(dramatic hand gesturing from across the room) I said NO ICE and there is ice in my glass. (all look down at one splinter of ice swirling lazily on top. 

dude: And my friend WANTED ice. (all look down at a frosty glass half full of ice and water.) What, do you guys have an ICE SHORTAGE OR SOMETHIN? TRYING TO SAVE MONEY ON ICE OR SOMETHIN? 

Likeness #26 : Magic bullet

She: "I'll Have a "Peen-yo Coolata" Puhlease."
Me: "No, sorry we don't have that." 
She: (exaggerated sad face) "I'll have one a them "strowburry dakkary thangs I giss" 
Me: "We don't have a blender, I cannot make any of those.  Do you want something sweet and on ice, we can make something very good."
She: "NO BLENDER!!?? I'M A HAFTA GETCHALL A MAGIC BULLET FOR CHRISSMAS!!!!"
She:(as I am walking away she yells at my back) "Don't yall have some normal food, like some chips and salsa or somethinh, I am from the mid-west, and I need some REAL food! Yall's menu too fanc-ay!" (she proceeds to order and DEVOUR 2 huge orders of "Mixed Fry" heaps of tempuraed everything. ugh......

likeness #25 : Fry guy

He: I will have the burger. With sweet potato fries. 
Me: We only have normal fries here.
He: Then make them curly. 
Me: No. We only have normal fries here. 
He: I want sweet potato. No, no, hey girl, wait, (as I turn and walk away). I want fried pickles now instead! 

Likeness #24 : Selfie

The red has returned. Summer is fleeting, looking at fall. 

likeness #23 Mister lady man

Me walking up to a table: "good evening laddddiiiii...(mumble mumble mumble) ummmm, What can I get you to drink?"

Sometimes you just can't tell from behind. 

likeness #21 Gaga

gagagagagagaga

likeness #20 : Ladybird

B.F.F!

likeness #19 : The man

The Man in his summer duds

likeness #18 : Caucasian

girl:   "Mam, I want you to take this drink off my bill, I don't like it at all, and you made me sick cause you gave me milk. "

me:  "but...you DID order a white russian, or did I hear you wrong?" 

girl:  "I DID, but like... I didn't know you would make me sick. I can't have milk.... "

This chick so needs a life lesson from THE DUDE

likeness #17 : Some Sacajaweas

aaaaaaaahhhhh...Why are you making my life so difficult when you fully intend on tipping Exactly 2 DOLLAR COINS no matter what you get, as simple or as complicated? Tonight it was a "perfect medium" Burger ("If it's not I will send it back") altered to hell from it's normal state (WithOUT onion, WITH tomato, only if it's in season, withOUT pickles, WITH lettuce, only if it's tender), WITH fries which you sent back for being "soggy"( but WERE perfect, as I tasted them) and WITH every "sauce in house" (really? EVERY sauce? This lass is just asking for trouble) , and then with your $35 tab you left those expected dollar coins....So it goes. 

likeness #16 : Snooot

Overheard on the street: "I feel that the Bolognese at Banker's Hill has just REALLY set the mark."

likeness #15 : Rocco

Line cook who bought a crossbow for Y2K and was super bummed when things went off without a hitch. 

Likeness #14 : Charlie

Charlie who taught 7th grade Heather that there was other music in the world besides gangster rap. 

likeness #10 : I paid someone $5 so I didn't have to take him again.

Are you being mean or just being French? 

likeness #13 : Bandboys

"

boys:   "Can we get like your industry discount, we are like, IN the industry."
me:   "Where do you work?"
boys:   "Oh, we are like, in a band!"
me:   "Ok.... "
boys:   "We heard you guys like give out discounts.... "
me:   "No...."
boys:   "We have a coupon!"
me:   "That is not a coupon, you just cut out our ad from the city weekly."
boys:   "Oh... so, can we have a discount? "
me: (walks away)

likeness #12

I'll have my steak medium. No, make that medium plus. 
Me: Medium well then.
Him: No, medium plus. Between Medium and Medium well.
Me: Medium Well then.
His Wife: I will have mine at 125 degrees.
Me: (walks away)

likeness #11

likeness #8

jesus raver

likeness #9

I miss Philly's Reading Terminal Market. Where else can you get a veggie sando, a smoothie, some cheese and wine for later, a pitcher of beer in a (very) imitation beer garden, and a book to read while drinking? Also, you can buy all kinds of homemade farm fresh goods from about a thousand different guys that look like this. 

likeness #7

Butter wouldn't melt in her mouth 

likeness #6

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read" - Groucho Marx

likeness #5

Man who ordered a well done burger and then asked not five minutes later "MISS, WHERE IS MY BURGER! I ORDER WELL DONE EVERYWHERE AND IT ALWAYS COMES QUICKLY!" 

Mc Donalds and their pre-cooked sawdust patties are really screwing up the general public's idea of FOOD. Trying to explain "Slow Food" to someone like this is like trying to herd cats. 

likeness #4

likeness #3

Some restaurants have "specialty cocktails".  And some people think you can order these crafted cocktails at any old place and staff should stop what they are doing to attempt to re-create a difficult recipe for a drink they have next door. (what do you mean you don't have ORGANIC SMOKED SALT for my margarita rim!) If you are that kind of person, do not be surprised if you hear a lot of people in the back yelling "not it!" when you walk in the door. 

likeness #2

Real question: "Excuse me sir, me and my mom were just wondering...are you.. a...a...a...GARDEN GNOME..??!!!" - drunk girl and her drunk mom cackling it up at my sweet gnome's expense.

likeness #1

LIKENESS will be an ongoing series of little posts depicting people from my life or past. Friends I wish to honor, ones I love, interesting strangers, customers who have really burnt my biscuits, these simplistic renderings are of you. I am compiling these images for a zine project, but thought they looked sweet and fun  in this format as well.  

Mean man who sent back his creme brulee because it was BURNT on top, you are depicted. Mean lady who yelled at me because the delicious glass of rose wine I sold you did not taste like ROSES, you are depicted too! I have always used my sketchbooks as therapy to secretly spite the likes of you who I am embroiled in battle with daily (simply trying to give you dinner), however you are not the main focus. Interestingly, as simple as the renderings are, I feel the emotions I have towards the subject, positive or negative, come across very clearly.

If you are viewing this then you are probably a current or future friend (hi!), and therefore do not be surprised if you recognize yourself! xoxo. I have scanned back into the archives for this little project, and there are hundreds involved. Starting with the self...

hello.